february 15

stuck in this state

filled with emptiness

but succumb by expectations

the tide is rising

the waves come washing and erasing.

whats left is nothing.

a nothingness i crave

to erase this path set infront of me

this path, forcing and pushing and urging.

i long for nothing

so i can be nothing

the greatest struggle is to be erased

to be forgotten

but to be complete with oneself

to know deep down inside

being nobody is being happy

being somebody is never authentic

you are always a carbon copy

imitating and replicating.

free yourself of this mold

do not strive to be somebody

somebodies arent real.

strive to be nobody; only then will you be yourself.

illusions.

It took me having to explain you to different people time and time again that I realized I can sum you up with one illusory adjective "hes's perfect" is what I usually say.

"so why aren't you together?" is what I get back.

And I've come to the evident realization that what makes you so great is you're unattainable.

The situation is so imperfect it simply illuminates how perfect you really are.

It is the worst irony I can imagine, something so desirable is impossible to have.

It makes the pain in knowing you're somewhere, out of my reach but in the reach of others far luckier than me, almost unbearable.

but then it makes me question if you were real to begin with.

manners, my friends.

there is a serious problem with people on the metro.

personal space dissolves the minute you enter the place. i was sitting quietly in my chair, and a man sits in the seat behind me. he proceeds to read his newspaper. thats great and all, but he decides to slouch in his seat, his arm sprawled on the back of the seat therefore touching me. if that wasnt irritating enough, everytime he turned a page he elbowed me in the neck. i was loosing it. one of these days, when one of these pricks catches me on a wrong day i'll elbow them back. but no, i mild-manneredly switch seats while glaring at him. he then looked at me all innocent- like as if he hadn't been annoying me for the past 8 stops. this is not your living room. its a public transportation system, jesus.

another thing. bring a damn book or magazine or something. stop staring at me, i know i look tired but it's monday morning. the windows are reflective, i can see you. i used to think school was the only place i can not wear any makeup and get away with it.  according to the metro people, i should make a bit more effort.  

and when you're angrily texting on your blackberry, you can bet there's someone following along right over your shoulder. they must know the exact fight you're having with your boyfriend, you might as well sit them down and cry on their shoulder. 

apparently it works best when you have a higher IQ

so this is probably the most interesting thing to happen to me in a while.
i went to a hypnosis show last night, and volunteered to go on stage, infront of a pretty large audience.
much to my amazement, it actually worked.
being hypnotized kind of feels like you're in a dream, but you're fully aware of what you're doing. it just feels like whatever he tells you to do is real and important.
so i actually thought i was a male contestant on Dancing with the Stars.
and i actually thought i was a sex-expert giving a speech about safe sex.
and i actually thought i was a 5 year old dancing in the end-of-year show infront of my parents, but had terrible motor skills so i kept falling. (i have bruises on my knee to prove that)
and i actually thought i was a backup ballet dancer who kept having to itch my butt whenever the singer said the word "you", but incorporate that into my dance routine so it wouldn't seem obvious.
and i actually thought i was being attacked by a room full of spiders.

yea. it was a loooong, embarassing 2 hours on stage. my friends found it amusing, apparently i was the star of the show. i can remember everything, and to me right now it seems ridiculous, but in the moment i truly believed it was real.

quite an experience. i now believe in the powers of the subconcious, and i now know i wasn't born a dancer.

as requested : my top 19 movies -- revised

1. Fight Club

the rest follow in no particular order, from what I can sit down and think of at the moment. I'm sure im missing others

2. Snatch

3. Oceans' trilogy

4. Lord of the Rings trilogy

5. Blow

6. Requiem for a Dream

7. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

8. The Nightmare Before Christmas

9. Donnie Darko

10. Into the Wild

11. I'm Not There

12. Rebel Without A Cause

13. Across The Universe

14. A Night at the Roxbury/Dumb and Dumber

15. Revolutionary Road

16. Superbad

17. Milk

18. American History X

19. Watchmen

Nuit Blanche

nuit blanche proved to me how bad i am at planning and how dependent i am on my cellphone.

not having a plan + not having a cellphone = confusion.

i was supposed to meet a friend for nuit blanche, but because my phone keeps breaking, i had no way to reach him. walking around downtown the whole night, i felt very guilty because i knew he was waiting for me to call and wondering why i wasn't returning, what i assumed were, many attempts at reaching me.

but as faith will have it, i spotted him in Studio 303 amongst the millions of other people and activities going on that night. i knew he was mad at me, but the coincidence of that night made up for it.

it was an interesting night. we visited many different museums and saw a variety of people and artwork. i was forced into eating a very questionable looking and tasting red cake, in a room that smelt of beer and seemed to be part of a different dimension and era. that was only one of the weird things we witnessed. another sketchy one; a completely white room which only had 3 megaphones delivering some weird message in french to 2 people sitting on chairs staring blankly at the wall. at the front of this exhibition, they were selling grilled cheese. yea, it was strange.

the metro ride home at 4am was just as packed as rushhour at 5pm. but on a night like nuit blanche, time doesn't seem to matter to anyone, not even stacy which was shocking since she worked 5 hours later.

Red Cake

Studio 303

Museum of Contemporary Art

do NOT try this at home.

at lot of my friends wonder what i do on my days off at home. i think this is a prime example of the chaos that occurs when i try things on my own.
i'm starting this whole "saving money" thing ever since my hours got cut this year. so when i was about to book a waxing appointment for today, i realized, hey i have wax at home and i have alot of time before Ellen comes on tv. so i decided to wax my legs by myself. this was the first mistake.

i heated the wax in the microwave, all the while setting up a little station at the kitchen table. i put the wax on and was impressed with myself; i actually believed this would work out well. the minute i pulled the waxing paper back, it completely dissintegrated on my leg. half was in my hand and the other was condensed into the wax. i tried several and they did the same. so now i was stuck with hot wax/paper stuck to my leg and hands. i was frantic to get it off, so i decided to use magazine paper. second mistake. it did the exact same thing. not to mention as i was moving around, hot wax dripped onto the chair(which is material), forever ruined and beyond salvation.

i decided to try plastic sheets that come in another kit of wax. they worked. so i was able to complete my legs and remove most of the paper stuck on (probably the most painful thing imaginable). but now i was stuck with all the wax on my hands and legs. ASSUMING wax was water soluble, i decided to take a shower. third mistake.

this wax was not water soluble. what resulted was my hands sticking to my hair when i tried to use shampoo to get it off. at this point i was near tears based on how incredibly annoying this situation was. i get out of the shower with soap on my head and wax on my hand and read the box. this wax was oil soluble, and comes with a tiny capsule of oil. i emptied the whole thing onto my hands trying to get this stuff off. as it started to, i realized everything i touched since then was sticky (door knob, shower head, my clothes, the sink).

it took me about an hour to remove the greater part of wax from my house and self.

in conclusion, my legs were waxed in the most painful method, my chair is ruined, i lost a lot of head hair in the process, and i wasted an afternoon and patience.

ill spend the 60$ next time.

after having a friend go through my ipod and conclude that i listen to depressing music, i realized that actually is all i listen to lately. it might have to do with walking in the cold, and being on metros, and having too much time to think and too many things to think of.

but sad songs give me a lot to relate to.
i dont think i could survive downtown without my ipod. i dont know how anyone does. and im new to this whole thing; im used to the comfort of my car and stereo. but i dont dread it. its actually comforting knowing i have a metro ride to look forward to in which i can just sit with my music and think (and all the walking will hopefully benefit me in the long run).

on that note, being downtown for school made me appreciate how wonderful Montreal really is. its full of action, and at the same time is very serene and peaceful. the cold is sometimes painful and dreadful but at other times its refreshing. im beginning to enjoy my university experience; i finally feel a part of something important and productive. and university has given me reason to explore a city i realized i know very little about.

bffe.

a friend's dog passed away yesterday, which triggered a sudden sense of worry within me. he had the exact same dog as mine and his was 11 years old. brook is 10.

when i tell people she's my best friend they find it cute and smile. they don't actually think im weird enough to mean it, but believe me i do. (when i was young, id write poems about her for school and sing her lullabies.) she's been there through everything important that has happened for me. half of my living life was spent with her. i mean, what else can she be to me?

so i decided to devote this blog to my love for my pets. oliver is obviously included, though ive only known him 2 years. hes not a best friend yet, more like a cool friend who sometimes purposely tries to piss me off. but we have that kind of relationship. hes got into the habit now of sleeping on my pillow during the day so i wake up at night choking on his hair. he gets a kick out of it im sure. but i love him all the same.

mexico city '08

i guess to start off my blog i should write about the most exciting thing ive done in the past 3 months. taking a trip with my best friend to visit other best friends in mexico probably is it.

i would never trade that experience for anything, it was priceless. i had the greatest time with the greatest people, enjoying sun in the middle of december. i already established a second home with a second family in the span of a week, that is how much i love it there.

i visited so many places i never knew existed, and fell in love with them instantly.

pictures are worth a thousand words, so ill share some of my favorites.